foreverbeme’s blog

Dear Blog,

This is going to be my last blog in Friendster. It’s coming to an end. It’s over. This last blog is dedicated to all the important people in my life. First and foremost..

1) My true friends who stick with me in thick and thin..Close to me, Kham and close to my heart but yet so far, Aziah. and Ida. Guys, without all of you I wouldn’t be able to write all this and still putting a smile in each single day without fail. Thank you for supporting me and for believing in me. I couldn’t make it without u guys. And thank you for letting me part of your life and making me feel so special! Kham, thanks for letting me lepaking at ur shop each day. Jangan boring dengan muka akuJ . And thanks for being here with me at this moment and always supporting me! Muahh! And Kham .. thank you as well for introducing me to all the wonderful people in ur life and letting me be part of the Teratak D’Kam’s family. Never once I feel that I am stranger there. Chap.. you’re always dear to my heart. We hardly talked these days but please do remember that u and ur family are always in my prayer. I owe u a lot chap. For so many things, but please don’t think that I ever forget you.Love u always!

2) My other good friend.. Abin, thanks for always watching on me and make me realized my responsibility here at work and in life. Thank you for selalu mendengar kamek ngerepak dalam keta and being with me almost everyday dan bertahan dengan perangei kamek yang sik senonohJ . Rudy, you’re not forgotten. Thank you sebab bertahan dengan aku.

3) My dearest sis, Om. Thank you for being part of my life and for being there for me especially at this point of time. Your prayer has made me strong than ever. Though you’re far away from me, you’re always remembered my sis. My prayer will always be with you. You and your family will never be forgotten.:) Really hope to see you soon this year!

4) To whom it may concern.. thank you for making my life more meaningful, thank you for letting me be part of ur life, thank you for making me happy and realized on how wonderful life can be even for a while. Thank you for trusting me and believing in me. Thank you for the wonderful friendship that we had and all the time we spent together. I am sorry that I cant carry on like this. I am sorry that I don’t think that I’ll be able to stay the way we were before. I really think that you should know this is how I feel now. Things changed now. But thank you for trying to be honest with me that day.. I am trying my very best to cope with it. Believe me I am. But I cant pretend that nothing happened. I am not as good and as strong as you. I would love to be your friend, your good friend but I guess I don’t have that strength at the moment. May be in years to come.. I don’t know. Please remember you and your family will always be in my prayer and your happiness is all that I asked.

Last but not least, My students… thank you for making me smile everyday and for a moment I tend to forget about what ever things happened around me. In fact, it is because of all of you, I am still able to carry on with my life as usual though the pain at times unbearable.. Thank you for making me laugh and happy.

To a new person in my life .. hmm.. dunno what to write about you though. But you know what, you’ve made me smile each time I saw you around. Guess, that matters a lot to me. I am looking forward to see more of you ..

Everyone, I am still here, But I will stop writing my blog. I need to end all this or else I will write all my misery there and make everyone confused. So for this once I am making myself very clear…

Love Always, SalL

For the second time, this once means a lot.Aziah, think you know what I mean.

What You’re Made of

Just like I predicted
We’re at the point of no return
We can’t go backwards,
and all corners have been turned
I can’t control it if I sink or if I swim
‘Cause I chose the waters that I’m in

And it makes no difference,
Who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
‘Cause there’s only one thing I want

If it’s not what you’re made of,
You’re not what I’m looking for
You were willing, but unable, to give me anymore
There’s no way
You’re changing
‘Cause some things will just never be mine
You’re not in love this time, but it’s alright.

I hear you talking,
but your words don’t mean a thing
I doubt you ever,
put your heart in anything
It’s not much to ask for
To get back what I put in
But I chose the waters that I’m in

And it makes no difference
who is right or wrong
I deserve much more than this
‘Cause there’s only one thing I want

What’s your definition of the one
What do you really want him to become
No matter what I sacrifice it’s still never enough

This is what I read today.

It’s time to clean your emotional house — toss things that keep you from happiness. Your dreams are giving you interesting messages — unfortunately, they are nearly impossible to decipher. Spend some time today thinking about the images that keep reappearing and what they may represent in your life. There is a strong need for you to clean your emotional house and toss out things that are keeping you from having a great day. It could be as simple as letting go of past mistakes, or as difficult as letting go of a current relationship that just isn’t working.

Do I have to let go the current relationship or should I hold on to it? I still have some believe that it can work out though..or should i just give up and let go. Ustazah once said to me that the moment you give up something in life, it means your relationship with Allah is over. If you do things or feel things for the sake of Allah S.W.T., He will bless you and help you. And deep inside I believe that I am doing and feeling the right thing. And May Allah help me go through this.

Men In Trees, a story of a lady writer which known as a relationship coach and someone who believes in love. Giving advice to others on relationships and she even wrote books on love and relationships. That is what she do for life. But there’s  one thing about her She’s hurting from past love and she had chose the painful way of love. How I can relate to her stories and her feelings. Maybe it is just a fiction, a drama series like any other drama series that you can find in TV. But to me, its more than just a drama series that you can laugh and cry when watching it. Its not an ordinary drama series, its more than that.

I couldn’t believe that I am saying this. I’ve been writing so many things about love. People perceive me as someone who believes in love but this is what I feel at the moment.

Hurt is when you know that you’re out of love. Love has two ways and one of it is the painful way. When the feeling is there, you should let it out. Right there, out loud. Or else the moments will just disappear. And here I am, trying to put my feelings into words and figuring how am I supposed to feel and not how I truly feel.

Love should bring so much happiness, joy and a meaningful moment in life. Love should brings out the best of you and never let you down. Love shall never disappoint you. And Love should be about giving and not expecting anything out of it. That’s Love. That’s what you read in storybooks, love stories and movies.

You know its love when your heart is singing all the way. You know its love when it makes you smile throughout the day. You know its love when your heart beats every moment your loved one is around. You know its love when there is no other place that you want to be than being with him or her.

But to love and to be loved, you need to take that risk. The risk of getting hurt and not being loved in return. When you have the courage to say out loud how much you love the other halves, it also means that you’re risking yourself. By being expressive, you’re letting yourself to be hurt by the other halves. Only by taking that chances, then you would know whether you’re loved or you’re out of love.

And when you feel the hurt, you would realize that you’ve been in love and out of love. And how you wish that moment will disappear and vanished in a second. And how you wish you could just take back anything that you’ve said and done. But there’s no turning back and there’s no regret.

Questions.. How could we quit something we never even tried? How could you open your heart to someone who broke it into pieces?

Still hurting from long lost love.Really want to start over again. Dont you want to be my salvation? The one I can always depend.Its complicated but understand me. Have a little patience, coz the scar runs so deep and its been hard to believe. Perhaps I need time.

The lyrics of the song keep on playing inside my mind.It reminds me of the saddest love letter ever wrote.I’ve done the most stupid thing yesterday by exposing myself to get hurt again.I dont want to go through that journey again. Its such a long road to take and the hardest journey to end.

I dont have that strength anymore..my heart is numb and has no feelings. I need to have a little patience.

Things are moving slow now. I’ve noticed that exercises, reports and assignments are pilling on the table.Trying to stay back in the office today, hopefully. There are so many things to do and I am still here sitting infront of the PC with nothing on my mind.

Forcing myself to write this blog. In fact so many things that I need to let it out but it cant be put into words. Feelings has taken a toll over me for the past few days that I need to decide and move on. Got another class after this and that make a total of 6 hours lectures today.

Making myself look silly today infront of the student and I know someone noticed that something wasnt right. Havent got a good nite sleep since Monday.What a terrible feeling inside. Now I am not pretty sure about my LLM. I lost that excitement of going for my LLM. Guess I am not ready for that.

When I look around myself today I saw things around me started to change. I dont see those colors that I want to see. I dont see the things that I want to see. Perhaps a friend of mine is rite, You’re still in the dark and you dont know what u want in life. Its time to make things clear and be positive.

Write more senses soon.

The lost now found

Sometimes life gets away from you; you don’t realize where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing. Then you make a crazy off the wall decision and life
changes. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that make the biggest differences.Everyone comes into our lives for a reason and not every reason will be revealed to us, but when they are or you think they are it’s an amazing feeling.

This new person in my life is just that. All the pieces fit. No doubts, or hesitations.

This one’s for you new friend of mine, thank you for looking and findingthat side of me that tends to get lost in life. Thanks for opening up andtrusting me with as much as you can give. Thanks for challenging me to think
about what I really believe in. Here’s to our vast differences. Here’s to us pulling each other out of the murky darkness. Here’s to hearts healing and
souls being at peace. But most of all, here’s to being a part of eachother’s lives in the long run. That gaping hole in my heart is now filled with your presence. I hope that makes you smile and warms you from the
frigid cold of life’s rain.

Just by knowing you, I am blessed, yes…I am truly blessed.

End of entry

p/s: Miss you …

Work is taking a toll over me and next week will be a week where my left and right would be just books.Wish I have time to do other things that I havent been doing for years such as picnic, travelling etc. Time has never been enough for me lately walaupun a friend of mine was saying, "kitak nang rileks oh?", as if I am not having other things to do. Is that a sign that I am actually getting a syndrome of laziness and that’s y someone perceived me as so relax compared to others.Or was it I have too much time smsing people?:)

Guess this is a luxury of what we called the profession of teaching. Its not that we dont have much work but we called it as "FLEXIBILITY". I believe that lecturers and teachers, we are flexible in terms of working hours and etc. Our ATA may not be 25-30 hours per week but 18 hours per week of classes were already a mentally stressing situation. I called it as "head damage session". But it is a remarkable feelings and satisfaction when the session turns out well at the end of the semester.

Teaching adults has been such a wonderful experience for me for the past two years. People from all sorts of background, sharing experiences, knowledge, ideas.. its a wonderful feeling and sitting and hearing them was really an amazing experience.Sometimes I wonder how it feels becoming a student again at this age..:)